More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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