My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
