i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
