Only a mothe r could love this liver
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
