just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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