i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
