Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
