my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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