I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
