hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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