I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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