I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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