as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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