Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he fucked my hip out of place.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
