About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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