i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
