I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
