I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Someone shit on the floor
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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