My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
