Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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