If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
