I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My bed smells like the plague
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
