We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Randomize
