Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
