i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I came so hard my ears popped.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
