I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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