Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
