I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
