my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
