Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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