burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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