I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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