My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
