The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
