you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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