What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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