you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
