I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
