No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
