God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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