I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
