I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
