Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
