im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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