Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
