So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
