I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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