sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
