Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
