I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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